Sleeping with a broken heart…

Even if you are a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea

I could still hear it inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time, you were telling me lies

She sighs, eyes closed, teeth clenched, “Fuck.” She rolls over and angrily snatches her phone off the table. Without calming her voice or checking her temper, she answers, “Do you know what fucking time it is?”

The voice on the other end is pitiful and irritating, “I know but I miss you so much.”

“You don’t miss me. You miss controlling me. You miss using me. You miss cheating on me and hurting me and mistreating me.” She sits up in bed and really starts yelling, “You don’t miss me. You don’t love me. You don’t want me.”

“We were good together, though, weren’t we?”

Her mind drifts back to long nights, sweet kisses, and meeting in the dark. She has to swallow hard to answer, “Yes, there were times we were good together. But it wasn’t good enough for you then and it wouldn’t be good enough now.” She remembers how it felt every time she heard there had been someone else in her lover’s bed. Even in the dark she can see how her own body reacts to knowing she was being told lies every day. 

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Her arms and legs tense with pent-up anger, “Don’t give me a line of shit about how they didn’t mean anything to you. It doesn’t matter if they meant nothing to you. The fact that they were there matters to me!” She lowers her voice to a growl, “Lose this phone number. Forget that we ever had anything. Do yourself and me a favor and forget I’m alive. Because I’m going to forget you. And it will snow on the mountains of Hell before I take you back. Do not call me back. Ever. I’m serious.” She hangs up the phone and stares at the screen.

She fully expects another call or a text. She doesn’t dare lie down because she’s convinced its coming. After three minutes pass, she doesn’t know what to do. Slowly, a warm feeling spreads through her body as a smile grows. She lets out a long, deep sigh, “Thank God that’s over.” She puts the phone back on the table and slides back down into her bed.

A few sleepless moments pass with her smiling in the dark. She turns over and picks her phone back up, “Hmm. It’s about one in the morning there.” She considers whether or not to text and decides to do it, “She’s finally gone, baby. It’s over. I love you,” with a smile and a soft sigh, she presses the “send” button.

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?

Well you could try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You are the clown, you made my body feel heaven bound

Why don’t you hold me, need me

I thought you told me you’d never leave me

When the memories start, they’re hard to stop. But she knows that she’ll get through them. With her eyes closed she allows the images to flow through her mind. A laugh, a caress, a fight. Tears, yelling, pain, betrayal. Fight, fight, fight. Presents, laughter, a smile, the first night spent together, waking up alone… again. Hurt, shame, feeling like a fool, proof, confrontation, over and over again.

The tears start and she can hear a voice in her head that pushes the pain aside for just a moment, “I know it hurts, baby, but I love you.” She takes a deep breath and whispers into the dark, “And I love you.”

The vibration of her phone shocks her into giggling and as she opens the message, “There’s a moon in the sky. See it?” She gets up quickly, smiling all the while, and goes to the window before reading the rest of the message, “Look at it…I see it too. Right now… in this moment…we are looking at the same thing. I love you so much it hurts…but now maybe you won’t hurt so much. And that makes me smile.”

Looking in the sky I could see your face

And I knew right where I fit in

Take me, make me, you know that 

I’ll always be in love with you

Right till the end

The tears sting a little, but they spill over her lashes quickly enough that she doesn’t feel them long. As they slide down her face, she takes deep, shoulder-shaking breaths and speaks to the moon, “I love you, baby.” She closes her eyes and imagines the woman’s face, “You are the only thing that keeps me from feeling desperately helpless. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. The only thing I do know is that I’m finally looking forward to it.” 

She opens her eyes and smiles through her tears as she responds to the text message, “I see the moon, baby. I am staring at it right now. It’s so bright and beautiful, like you. I love you, babe.” She wipes her face and giggles at herself when she presses “send”. With a final look at the moon, she makes the woman a promise, “I will love you until I die. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.”

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could’ve told you right from the start 

it’s ‘bout to fall apart

So why not then hold on to a broken dream 

or just hold on to love

And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight

I’ll make it without you tonight

She slides back into bed, her eyelids getting heavier by the moment. She yawns, pulling her pillow against her body and holding it close. It would be easy to call and have someone there to hold her. It would be easy to cling to what’s comfortable and ignore what’s true. She reminds herself that the pain of waiting for something great is easier to handle than the pain caused by letting go of something mediocre.

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

She expects the vibration this time and she’s overcome with emotion as she reads, “Dear little lonely baby Jesus, we need your help. Tonight, as we lie in bed preparing to sleep, we need you to remind us that love has no barriers or rules. Remind us that love is a precious gift, no matter how far away it is. Help us remember all the things we’ve shared and all the things we have yet to share. Jesus, be a love letter. Bless the Pygmies in New Guinea. Amen.”

A single tear, as lonely as she is, slides down her face to meet her pillow. She smiles softly, “Amen.”

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