The Fire

“You know, desperation is so unattractive.”

These words, spoken to my back, stop me. Slowly, and in disbelief, I turn to her, “What?”

She tilts her head to the side, “You heard me.”

I know she expects me to scoff, turn away, and leave. I know she doesn’t expect me to respond or stand up for myself or correct her. But what she doesn’t know is that I’m not the same person I was when she met me. My eyes are probably full of rage when I respond, “Yes, I did.” I walk back to her, “But so is cheating and lying and manipulating people.”

It’s her turn to spit a little fire, “I don’t manipulate people!”

“Bullshit,” I snarl, “you’ve manipulated me ever since this relationship began!” Her mouth opens to reply but I don’t give her the chance, “You are a selfish, egotistical, bitch! You saw me at my weakest and pounced. Your intent was to devour me and spit out the bones.”

Putting her hands up, she scowls at me, “You need to check your attitude! I don’t have to listen to this!” She turns on her heel and makes it about ten feet before I stop her.

“Oh, you’ll listen,” I smirk, “because if you don’t, it’ll bug the fuck out of you until you hear what I have to say. Contrary to your opinion of me, I’m not fucking stupid.”

This makes her turn back, “I never said you were stupid. Not once!”

“You didn’t have to!” I bark. “Your actions showed what you really feel! You don’t have to use the word to feel the feeling. I know you think I’m weak. That I’m not going to find someone worthy of loving me. I’m not like everyone else you’ve ever wanted. I don’t chase after you when you run. I don’t back down unless I know I’m wrong. I don’t let you get away with the stupid shit you do. And although I do fall for some of your bullshit games, I never fall far enough to satisfy you.”

“What the f-“

I cut her off, “Shut the fuck up and listen! It’s about time you heard who I really am.” I take a breath and don’t even try to hide the hate, “Before you, I was fine. I was single and loving my life except for all the obvious problems like my family issues. I smiled and laughed and acted stupid. I cut up and joked with people and went wherever I wanted with whomever I chose. I was confident in who I was and where I was going. I had dreams and goals and plans. I didn’t have to weigh my words or watch what I said to others. I could be playful without being accused of wanting to fuck everything that moves.”

I pause to look away and shake my head, “But then I met you.” I look back at her, “And I fell so fast and so hard it was scary to me. And you said you felt the same and, God help me, that was music to my ears. I wrapped my world around you as if you were the sun and I was a planet drawn to you. You were my everything. My life, my thoughts, my plans, everything about me changed to suit you. I stopped talking to friends and quit sharing certain things about my life and myself.” I step closer to her, “And you had the fucking nerve to demand I stop talking to certain people. You had the balls to tell me which pictures I could show people. You tried to control everything about me and my world. And the saddest fucking thing is… I let you.”

Shaking my head and pointing at her, “But there is something you need to know now. I am not that door mat anymore. I’m not going to show you affection, give you my time, stop doing things you don’t like, or start doing things because you want me to.”

She looks away from me, but that doesn’t deter me, I’m on a roll, “I am strong. I’ve lived through Hell five fucking times. I’ve been hurt and beat and hated and used. I have been to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And I did all that without you. I have known happiness so sweet I swore it could only be from God. I’ve known fear so deep most people would have succumbed and quit. I’ve known pain so devastating that everyone I know wonders how the Hell I got through it. And I have loved so hard I left fingerprints on my lover’s heart. And I did all that without you, too.”

Almost shaking, I drop my voice, “And God, I loved you. I gave you everything of mine without requiring a damn thing from you except honesty. I trusted you way too fucking fast. I’ve held on way too God damn long. More than anything in the world, I wanted you to love me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to hold you and love you and be with you. I didn’t just want to make love with you. I wanted to be love with you. And you milked that shit for all it was worth. Well,” I smirk, “not anymore. Because this relationship is over.”

With a slightly shocked expression, she tries to play it off, “That’s fine. I already have someone else. And you two are as different as water and fire!” With venom in her voice, she adds, “And you know how much I love drinking water.”

I know she said that to hurt me. But I’m not biting, “Oh yeah? Good. I assume, then, that I’m fire.”

“Yeah. And you burned me bad. And I don’t need you.”

This makes me laugh. When I finish, I just shake my head and step up to her, “That’s fine. I wish you luck.” With that, I turn and walk away again. A few feet from the door I turn to her, “By the way, say what you like… water’s okay. But when that bitch turns to ice, it’s the fire that you’re gonna want to keep you warm. But you better take a jacket, baby, because I won’t be here.” The smile on my face is brighter than that pain of walking out that door and slamming it behind me.

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